From the small screen to the big

Are you stumped for something to do today? Are you watching Bert Newton or Hewy with the awfully sickening feeling that this will be the sum total of your excitement for the day? I suppose that depends on what Hewy is cooking – something with a great deal of extra virgin olive oil would be my guess. Anyhoo, I just thought I might provide a bit of a guide to what’s currently showing on the big screen, just in case Seven’s midday movie turns out to be some boring flop form the early nineties (but what are the odds of that?)
So in no particular order, here are a few of the movies now showing:

• Burping Billy (PG) – An unpleasant child develops a fondness for burping. Until one day he burps up something that nobody expected.
• Don’t Stop the Coconuts Falling (PG) – A mouse loses his scuba equipment in a game of poker. He then has to raise the Titanic using only a Woolies bag full of helium.
• Farting in Public (PG) – Fantastic screen rendition of the Jane Austin classic. After Lord Harris-Gunford acquires Spendelphine Manor, he returns to London where he invites the English aristocracy to pull his finger.
• Hairy Legs and Enormous Necks (G) – Three giraffes and a plumber named Ethan enter the Eurovision Song Contest. For reasons not satisfactorily explained in the film, one of the giraffes is covered in paper mache.
• The Hobbit Goes to Court (M) – A shameless cross-promotion. When Bilbo Baggins is accused of throwing a waitress off the roof of Hobbiton’s new hotel/casino he enlists the help of the cast of Channel Ten’s CSI: Middle Earth.
• How to Marry a Sock (G) – In an attempt to avoid paying tax, a wealthy ice-cream man tries to marry his undergarments. He falls in love with the tax lady and all is well until his sock finds out…
• Lewis Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, He Moved to Adelaide (PG) – A young man with enormous ambition (and buttocks) moves to Adelaide to start his own whipper-snipper.
• The Long Walk to the Two Dollar Shop (PG) – In search of a bargain, Laura Applehead finds true love and a set of picture frames for $2.
• Swallowing Sea Water (G) – On a beach holiday, Herman Buttenship accidentally drinks too much sea water and vomits at dinnertime.
• Tetanus: The Musical (G) – A wandering songwriter treads on a rusty nail and develops tetanus. He turns the entire community health team into a magical musical world until they reduce the dosage of his painkillers.
• Titanic 2: Revenge of the Deep (MA)- Jack Dawson is found alive in the raised wreckage of the Titanic. To celebrate, he and the old woman take a cruise on P & O’s new Titanus.
• Urinating in Public (PG) – John “The Hose” Hardwick brings a Sydney cafe/bar to bankruptcy.

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A Quiet Night In…

Television has really gone down the toilet lately, don’t you think? It’s Saturday night and I’m talking to you good people instead of sitting down in front of the TV. I’m not saying that I’m completely stuck for something to do on a Saturday night, just that on this particular evening, when no other engagement has arisen, I can’t even rely on the ol’ Palsonic Flatron to entertain. And similarly, I’m not saying talking to you guys is some last resort activity for when there’s nothing on TV and the neighbours’ curtains are drawn, I’m just saying that of all nights, surely the television big-wigs would ensure that there was something worth watching on Saturday!

Now, I don’t mean to sound all patriarchic, I’m not even sure ‘patriarchic’ means what I want it to mean but my Pocket Oxford seems to have gone AWOL so hopefully nobody will notice. The latter part of that sentence might be a bit of a giveaway but what can I do about it? Delete it? Well, I suppose I could but I like the reference to ‘Pocket Oxford’ – gives the entry a sort of trendy-casual Sydney Morning Herald feel. Actually, looking back I’m not sure I do like it that much, stupid name for a dictionary – it doesn’t fit into any pocket of mine, not without putting undue strain on the seams anyway. And what sort of person carries a dictionary around in his pocket? What can be so important that you can’t wait until you get home to look up? I suppose the word ‘patriarchic’ is a good case in point, but I AM at home and I can’t even find the wretched thing. But I digress.

Not that I want to sound all grandfatherly [Does that sound too plain?] but I remember the good old days when we would be glued, positively adhered to the television set every Saturday night. Quality programming back in them days: The Bill, Heartbeat, Parky, Hey Hey it’s Saturday – even going to the toilet was a sacrifice. Now what have we got? I’m not sure, I didn’t look at the guide but it will be something along the Who’s-restaurant-has-the-X-factor-Extreame-Makeover-Celebrity-Challenge-Vanuatu (followed by the Simpsons) lines. Honestly, I’m about this close to sending “I Don’t Give a Rats” to 193-444 (55 cent incl. GST).

Oops, I’ve got to go, Star Wars is about to start.
What would you like to see back on the small screen? Leave a message.
Bye, Tom.

PS: I found my dictionary, I left it in my other pants.

Up the Coast

“Ah ha,” I hear you muttering to yourselves in a sarcastic manner, “So you ARE still on the face of this earth.”

Well yes I am, and finally able to access the internet in relative privacy – the Coff Harbour Hospital Library. For the last three weeks and for the next two, I was and am on prac in delightful Coff Harbour. It’s a lovely place, beaches, trees, houses, people etc. I’m sure you get the picture. I haven’t been able to see the Big Banana and I’ve only been to the beach once. In fact, all three weekends so far I’ve spent out of town. So I don’t feel like I can sit here with any real authority and give advice on the subject. Still, it never stopped me before…

Anyway, I’d better go, I don’t know how much further I can push the definition of ‘lunch-hour’. I just wanted to let you all know that I was safe and that the humourous little tit-bits will be back anon.

Love Tom.

PS – Mum, Rove said to say hi.